Beneath your breast is the love I choose,
This feeling is pure and I could never lose
The image of you resting against you hand
With an emotional piercing stare that penetrates my heart
This feeling is pure and I could never lose
For in the afterlife is where we will cruise
With an emotional piercing stare that penetrates my heart
My steps become lighter as reach the top
I pray to the gods to show me mercy
Because the wrong I have done was due to my love
For you and me our time is up,
Our enchanted ride together is unraveling fast
Because the wrong I have done was due to my love
The ending will come with the snap of a noose
Our enchanted ride together is unraveling fast
Due to the floor beneath me that would not last
When your time comes I’ll be there
To bring you to heaven where we will continue
Our growing love amongst the stars
Free from the fear of those with black hearts
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1 comment:
Ian~
I really enjoy the image that your poem coveys as a whole. The idea of a man walking up to the gallows and just holding onto the image of his love is quite striking. I also enjoy what you've done with the sounds of the poem, especially in the first two lines, you pronounce "key" words to give us a more complex understanding of what the character is feeling. In the second line, the way that you broke, really amazed me, I love the concept of love making you feel like you've always won, but it still carries into the next line fluidly. All in all, I feel that you've done some really nice work here, one place I do feel you could improve is in your attention to detail, small things like adding an "I" to the end of the second stanza would make it a little bit less distracting. Also, you could try and give the reader a more acute understanding of what the character did to be hanged, although I personally like the mystery of it. Again, nice job.
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