Tuesday, June 2, 2009


That which stems from my heart awaits
ready to entangle and intertwine
confound I will, your vulnerable soul
my passion the venom of desire

Ready to entangle and intertwine
'tis appetite you now satisfy
my passion the venom of desire
longing you, my victim

'Tis appetite you now satisfy
your love now mine for eternity
longing you, my victim
no furthermore

Your pith now black from my corruption
confound I will, your vulnerable soul
as a demon from the fiery hells
that which stems from my heart awaits


Mina Eskander said...

Very nice poem, the first thing that caught my attention was your title. This just made me want to read it by itself. I liked your pantoum form, very nicely written. Your line breaks were correctly written, for example, "...Tis appetite you now satisfy..." then the pause there broke the flow which is a perfect line break, great job on that. The only one thing I did not see is flow, or rhyming words, I'm not really sure if all pantoums should have this or not, but great job over all!

johnc said...


your poem freaked me out a little...not in a bad way, but the image of this women feeding on her victims love and corrupting their soul sent a little shiver down my spine. Good job. I really enjoy the language that you used, the way that I read it, it sounded very "airy" like it just rolled off of my tongue. Also, as Mina said, I don't think I would, or could, have broken your lines any better. In the first stanza, the last two lines both stand firmly on their own, but they also flow together in perfect sequence. The few things that I think would strengthen your poem are fairly minor. You could work on improving the sounds given, for instance, if you would have some how connected the lines talking about victimizing and corruption, you could have given the poem a much more sinister tone; and vice versa, if you'd connected the lines about desire and heart, you could've still had an ominous undertone but made it seem like the non speaking character enjoyed it. Also you could improve syntactically. While you definitely were successful at enjambing the lines, the over all flow of the poem would have improved if some were end-stopped. Again, great job, but some minor adjustments would really strengthen things.