Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Purple N Pink

Black hats hung up for the last time
Our group coming to an end
For I am the last to remain
Laid to rest with purple and blue flowers
All in black, they watch
My heart beats faintly as life is reminisced
The good and bad times enticed us throughout
Satisfied and completed
It’s time to end
I hang up my black hat
For it is time to lay me down with pink and navy flowers


Tiffany Robinson said...

I really enjoyed your poem. I would have liked to see you abandon logic a little more, but that is so hard. I struggled with that myself. I really enjoyed the imagery I could totally see the colors of the flowers and I really liked the idea of hanging up your hat it worked well with the whole poem! GOOD JOB!

johnc said...

What I got out of your poem a strong sense of detachment, possibly describing death of a funeral. One thing that I really liked were the images used. The line "I hang up my black hat" made me feel really bad, like he was just giving up; it really added to the sense of detachment. One thing that kind of threw my off was the second to last line where you switched the colors of the flowers from purple and blue to pink and navy, I'm quite certain that it holds some symbolism but I'm afraid it was lost on me. The only constructive criticism that I could give you would be to say that your poem may have been made stronger with additional line breaks. In the line "my heart beats faintly as life is reminisced" it might have been interesting to see you break it after faintly. Or the line "for I am the last to remain" a great place to break that would have been after last. Breaking your lines would have added to the images created while also slowing down the poem which could have aided in creating a sense of sadness. Also, I noticed that you didn't use any punctuation say for one comma, I don't know if that was intentional or not, I really hope it was because I love illogical sentence structures, but it helped to make things less rational while your story stayed structured. Good job with this guy, keep it up.