Wednesday, June 3, 2009

A Siren's Soul

A john walks in shame.

A single name whispers from her mouth.

Into a darkened

Room desire strikes a match

With the flame

Now lit every inch of his tentacles

Wrapped around her

His weight crushing

Down she screams

A john walks in shame.

With maudlin eyes, a pain filled heart

Her white dove of peace walks in.

She whispers his name.


JWinn said...

I like this poem because I really feel the sadness when I read it. The first line is striking because it gives the john a conscience, something not normally associated with them. I really like the metaphor with the match and flame as well, it helps visualize the scene taking place in the darkened room.

I like the mystery of the name she is whispering, I would like to hear more of what is going on with her.

Becky said...

I really enjoyed the repetition that you chose for your poem. I liked that you had a few rhyming words, but that they weren't found at the end of each line. The created this nice underlying cohesive stream of rhythm through your words. I also really like the line "a john walks in shame", now whether that has to do with your name being John, and this being very personal, I beg you please don't tell me. Instead I like to think that "john" is a metaphor for any and every man. The only thing I have to be critical about is that I wish there were a few more lines to the poem, it is completely swaddled in mystery that I don't feel like I have a firm grasp on any one thing and I wish that I could get that on at least one thing.