My how far we’ve come in such a short time!
From the frost of our initial meeting,
to this poorly painted hotel room where we hold each other now.
What a convincing aphrodisiac alcohol can be.
You don’t really know anything about me,
other than this mask I’ve put on for you.
I can only assume you’ve done just the same.
So what now… shall we take it slow and get to know one another?
No, no… there is no time, or desire for that matter, to horse around.
This night is strictly for business.
What will become of us tomorrow… will we paint the town red?
There’s about as much chance of that, as there is of rolling boxcars.
Will you bellow out my name in the morning when you realize I’ve gone…
…or will you even remember it?
You may not be the right one for me,
but you are the one for me right now.
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3 comments:
I found this poem to have numerous messages embedded in the writing. I thought that it was great that you used the situation of it being a one night stand, so to speak, which allowed readers to associate with because of the understanding of what that is probably like. I am not suggesting that people have done such things but all can imagine what it is like. It was a nice twist to the general meaning that most extracted from the picture and I feel that the creative aspects were satisfied overwhelmingly well. You took a big step in an alternate direction and I think that it worked out well because the setting seemed more modern than mine. Your vision of the picture, in my opinion, was probably the most realistic of the other poems. Honestly, this poem was the most "fun" to read because the topic was so different that I found myself laughing which was refreshing after seeing so many that were directed towards some deep love.
A nice alternative to the standard versions posted
Good Job :)
I agree with Ian, this poem allowed readers to connect and even relate to the modern feeling of what is forbidden, but almost expected in todays' society. The word "business" in this poem really hit me...it turned the painting from a love scene or romance (as a lot of people described it) to "business." It lacked emotion, but I think that was the point. Nice job.
Drew ~
This is a really interesting take on the painting and you're using some strong pairings in language to create rhythm and repetition in sound -- "aphrodisiac alcohol," "poorly painted," "right one/right now" -- which create some momentum for the poem. It also works as a monologue/reflective piece on the narrative of the moment, told as it is in the first person.
As you revise the poem and as you continue to write them, think about how you might make this moment even more vivid for your readers, how you might keep them engaged in the moment with their senses -- what color is the paint? What other smells/sights/sounds in the hotel room would allow us to get a picture of (and reaction to) it? And keep working to find the clearest and freshest way to explore what you're thinking and conveying -- it's not an easy task, but because we hear "paint the town red" more often, it loses some "clout" for a reader. What else could convey that sense of freedom, irresponsibility, carefree living?
Keep going, Drew!
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