Friday, May 22, 2009


I can tell you are wearing that red dress
The one from the first time we met
When the frost was upon the windows
As we travelled our separate ways
I yearned for you, longed for that touch, that smell, that feeling

Until now, here in the warmth of this boxcar
Away from the hustle and bustle of life
Shhh...don't be frightened, we are alone
Like the cloth over us, they cannot see either
Stay close, hold tight, can you feel my heart
Racing like a horse to the finish line

The silence now is our comfort
The guilt will be gone in moments
As the bellow of night night breaks into day and our time comes to end
We go away now, until again the passion overcomes us


Mina Eskander said...

Hey Ed, this was a really nice poem, I don't know much about poetry, but what from I read, I liked. I found this poem to be soothing and smooth. I really felt the scenario as I was reading this, so nice job bringing the painting to life. I liked how you talked about the mans feelings in detail and how the title played out at the end where you said, "The silence is now our comfort." I'm not too sure of what you can do for improvement, like I said, I'm still learning about poetry so any input I may give may not be helpful/correct. Great job man.

Ian Schrader said...

I thought that this was a moving poem. The descriptors used carried with them emotion that was needed to allow the reader to envelope themself into a similar situation. The flow of the poem was beautiful and the situation permitted the reader to easily go through the thoughts and feelings of the people. I think that the poem takes a dual setting that made the poem more moving. I felt as though the physical setting was clearly mentioned but I almost felt as though the true setting was in the mans heart which made the poem that much more impactful. Good job :)

Samantha Thornton said...

I really liked this poem. It was hard to decide whether you were talking about those in a long love or a couple having an affair. I think you could read both into it. I'm not a big fan of poetry, but I really enjoyed reading this.

Catherine said...

I really like this poem it has a very soft and romantic tone about it. I found the ending to be a little sad that they had to part ways.

sallylynn said...

Edwin ~

You begin with a really nice pairing of colors; between the red dress and the frost, you've created a layer of "paint" so that the white/silver of the frost highlights the red again. Your use of the other two required words, "horse" and "bellow," are also strong, as they provide metaphor and sensory detail to make this moment come alive.

Keep thinking about how you might work with image and metaphor to carry the emotions or abstract nouns you mention in the poem; in other words, how could you show us the silence, the guilt, the passion, the fear? What images would enable the reader to really experience those emotions, to get close to them? The "bellow" of the night does a nice job of startling a reader, creating the secrecy and fear of being discovered. See what I mean?

Great work, Edwin -- keep going!