Friday, May 22, 2009

One Night

Darkness fulfills my desire
for your tender embrace
two lonely souls in the night
fate unites us as one

When the red sun rises
and your memory begins to fade
like the frost on the petals that shed in early spring
Will you remember me
my touch, my scent, my surrender

Did you leave quietly
or did you race off
like a wild horse in search of serenity

As the boxcar comes to hault
I see you through the window
embraced in her arms
Her gaze missing you, wanting you

Will you bellow out my name
when you're with her
or will guilt hide you from the truth
of that one night of passion and tenderness


johnc said...

When I first read your poem, I was intrigued. As I continued to read other poems i kept coming back to yours, I found the imagery used was quite vivid. Every time that I read it, I felt like I was being left after a one night stand with more feelings then I went into it with. Good job

Ashley Bontrager said...

I think the emotion that you evoked in this poem is amazing. As I was reading it, I felt like I was the one who was hurt. I felt like I was watching someone betray me. The image of the frost on the petals was beautiful as well. Very nice job.

sallylynn said...

Tina ~

You have some great work with images and metaphors in this poem; your second and third stanzas seem particularly rich with concrete ways to describe the scene, the emotions, and the relationship. Memory disappearing like "frost on the petals" is really lovely and vivid, and the "wild horse in search of serenity" is really intriguing because of its contradictions and its concrete way of describing this person. Keep thinking about how you might incorporate or follow these images in order to let them do the emotional work of the poem for you -- for example, the last two lines of the poem now sort of "give it away" because they sum up the narrative for the reader. But I'm betting most readers got a sense of an illicit relationship from your images and your previous metaphors -- so what would happen if you ended the poem on a return to the images or metaphors? What happens to the sun, the frost, the horse? What might they be able to do for you? Keep thinkin' about it.

Great work, Tina!