Friday, May 22, 2009


With you I lack,
sense of smell,
sense of taste,
my sight.

Your heart like a boxcar,
sealed tightly.
You forced me in,
you suffocate me.

You coverd my ears,
so to not hear you bellow.
Why pretend to thirst for you,
you have no flavor with my mouth closed.

Like the late frost,
once it's spring.
The way it coats new crops,
you suffocate me.

I could never relate,
to the horses roaming wild.
I will never be as free,
as the red cardinal flying high.

With you,
I suffocate.


Becky said...

I really like the short stanzas and lines. I feel like they really punch the points and make them stand out. I also really like the imagery you use in the fourth and fifth stanzas. I feel like they bring a new layer of emotion and depth to the poem. Also the ending is directly to the point, very poetic, pun not intended. The only thing I have to say that I feel is lacking is the sense of setting. I don’t know where the voice of the poem is. I feel like the voice could be everywhere or nowhere and while that is appealing to the emotional confusion of the poem, I feel like the voice doesn’t have anything solid, to get a firm grasp on.

Catherine said...

The first time I read your poem I thought WOW! uptight and in agony. But I kept going back to it much like "longlooking" at the painting, and I kept reading it over and the more I did the more I really felt the sense of "Suffocation". And I could really relate it to another interpretation of the painting. I think that your poem is quite unique and with short to the point lines fulfills it's title. Well done!

sallylynn said...

Jordan ~

You have a really strong sustained metaphor of suffocation here which is strengthened by your use of details that play on all the reader's senses. The "boxcar,/sealed tightly" does a great job of creating a weird and wonderful metaphor for the heart, and it twists the usual connotations of "heart" (love, romance, etc.) into something darker, both literally and figuratively. The stanza before the last, with its contrasting images of free horses and cardinals (great detail, there!) provide the reader with a needed breath, but also strengthens the sense of being enclosed.

Keep working with these sensory details and these images as you revise, and think, too, about how you might play with line breaks and length of lines to reinforce the emotion of the poem. Keep in mind, too, that the end of each line provides a slight pause already, so you'll only need commas where they're necessary for the sentences, rather than at the end of every line.

Great work, Jordan!