Friday, May 22, 2009

Come Away

Run, Run away
with me tonight.

Quickly, now before they
notice we are missing.

We'll ride our horses
like a boxcar out of hell.

Waiting, longing
Is this a dream? I might fear.
For do not wake me for the end is not in sight.

Red with Passion;
Our bodies intertwine
as we bellow out through the night.

Feel on your back the frost from the ground.
A satisfying mixture of sin and pleasure.


drew said...

I really liked this poem and chose to comment on it for one line in particular. When I read "like a boxcar out of hell" I laughed out-loud for twenty minutes straight... and I still can't say it without cracking a smile. I can't help but think of an upcoming Meatloaf album cover. On a serious note, I thought it was a good piece poetry that said something and didn't need a whole lot of words to say it.

sallylynn said...

Kristin ~

You've got an intense little poem with lots of secrecy and urgency packed into it! The direct address here works well, so that we start some of the stanzas with active, strong verbs -- and that helps to increase the urgency in the poem. The "boxcar out of hell" also works well as a twist on the usual "bat out of hell" metaphor (and "hell" seems kind of appropriate for the little bit of devilishness in this poem).

Keep thinking about how you might convey some of the intense emotion in this poem through imagery and metaphor. The strongest, most vivid lines in the poem are those that work directly with the world around the lovers -- the "frost from the ground" is very visceral, the "bellow out" is a great strong verb which creates sound and vibration in the poem, and the "boxcar" metaphor adds some depth and location to the poem. Keep developing those images and metaphors, and allow them to carry the emotion of the poem for you!

Great work, Kristin!