Thursday, May 21, 2009


Here within my thoughts I feel your passion
We only exist in love
This is the only way we can be within each others embrace
I want to rid this burning-hot red feeling of lust and passion; it has taken its toll
Days go by and I long to feel your comfort in my presence
Shatter this accumulated frost that has started to overtake my bitter heart
It does not remember how to beat with strength and energy
Thoughts and dreams of you are soothing as a boxcar travels its route
Our love is not sought through the eyes but our affection is vivid
Our meeting is obscure for now
Sorrow will soon follow when you have departed away from me
The delicate memories are diminishing with you as I try to hold on to them
We will escape the morals and rules placed on us and experience our desires
Like a horse crossing the finish line, we also, can succeed!
Bellow for me and we will live our dreams as the frost melts


Edwin Garcia said...

Good work Mina, the thoughts are really in depth and
detail. Although I'm just learning about poetry myself
I still enjoyed reading it. Your use of the required words
was great, it really felt like those words belong to the painting.
Maybe the only area I would suggest to advance would be
creating more of a physical setting. Other than that great job overall.

sallylynn said...

Mina ~

This poem creates a feeling of meditation and longing, loss and hope both. These contrasting emotions, like the colors orange and grey in Gary Soto's poem, serve to strengthen each other by their opposition. Keep working with these contrasts in order to keep the momentum of the poem -- these will maintain tension and complexity.

I would love to see you work more closely with contrasting imagery as well as contrasting emotion, and to work with employing concrete language and images to convey and carry the emotion of the poem. You're working with some images already -- "accumulated frost" and "boxcar travels" -- and I'd like to see you keep working with these, keep developing them. Live in this boxcar for a while and see how it reflects the relationship your speaker is describing here -- is the boxcar rickety, unstable, old, splintered? Is the boxcar solid, smooth? Dark, gloomy? Bright, with windows? See how much of this emotion and relationship might live in a boxcar (metaphorically).

Great work, Mina! Keep going.