Friday, May 22, 2009

House of Cards

Lie next to me
in a breathless sea of red frost
trapped in a boxcar of solitude
longing to bellow the words
neither want to hear

Can you rest your head gently
on your soft pillow
and have pleasant dreams of the sweet taste?

While I am numb
drained empty of my innocence
pain buried deep under memories
of hollow promises

Fingers crossed behind your back
candy coated lies
too wrapped up
in your make believe world
your house of cards ready to tumble

Thoughts seeking an escape
instead they are a lone horse
roaming through a field of desperation

Out of bed you climb
into the arms of another


Tiffany Robinson said...

Nice job! I could really feel the saddness the person seemed to be feeling. I liked the way you incorporated the words we needed to use in our poems. Thanks for sharing!

sallylynn said...

Jamie ~

You have some marvelous and striking images here in the poem -- that first stanza is loaded with great sensory detail (and a little surreal detail, too, with the unexpected but terrific "sea of red frost"), between the color, sound, and motion. The stanzas that follow incorporate some other great sensory details -- the "candy coated lies", the "lone horse," the "soft pillow." I'd love to see you develop those even further -- what would happen if you followed some of these images and developed them and explored them a little bit? I'd love to live in that "sea of red frost" a while longer; I'd love to live a little while longer in this world of the poem, see more of its colors, hear more of its sounds. Think about how you might let those images and metaphors do the emotional work of the poem -- so that you don't have to say that the speaker has "pain buried deep" which is a little more abstract, what image would show that?

Keep going, Jamie -- some great, great stuff here!